Posted by: cheekstr in Untagged on
Jul 01, 2010
Top Ten Random Acts of Kindness That Are Overdue:
10. Shorten the standard “15 minutes of fame” to about 7. Or 6.
9. Create a cabinet-level Dept. of Packaging, whose mission is to make it easier to get into molded plastic packaging.
8. Retire Carrot Top.
7. Invent odorless kimchi.
6. Paint a mural with The CheekTones on it, then darken it.
5. Create a Facebook group called, “I’m crestfallen and I can’t get up!” for the disappointed among us.
4. Declare a national holiday in honor of Okra. (So maybe I’m on my own with this one, but it’s so good...)
3. Ask Arizona’s legislators for their papers. Deport them if they hesitate. (Give ‘em maybe 2.5 seconds)
2. Put an express lane in the grocery store just for CheekTones fans.
And the #1 Random Act of Kindness That Is Overdue:
1. Legalize optimism.
Posted by: cheekstr in Untagged on
Jul 01, 2010
Top Ten Things To Do With The Upcoming 3-Day Weekend:
10. Get your face painted. Maybe a nice wintergreen, or chartreuse. The trim should be a white semi-gloss, though.
9. Start a top ten list for me—something about the pursuit of happiness, or the happiness of pursuit. (or the sloppiness of hirsute?)
8. Dance to The CheekTones, as if no one is watching. Someone is, however.
7. Commit adultery: that’s when you act like an adult, right? Had to happen sooner or later...
6. Practice the ancient martial art of tie cheese. Then you can have twine and cheese. (it’s ok to groan now)
5. Contact the Department of Redundancy Dept. Ask ‘em for their PIN number and a new beginning. (I know, kinda obscure)
4. Stage a coup at Walmart. Take over the garden dept, free the petunias, and hold the cherry tomatoes hostage.
3. Acknowledge that today is the first day of the rest of your life. No, wait—it’s the second day. Yesterday was first. Or was it?
2. Read your co-workers their Miranda rights. Cuff ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
...and the No. 1 Thing To Do With The Upcoming 3-Day Weekend:
1. Synchronized skinny-dipping in the fountain at the mall, to the tune of “I Feel Pretty”. Be sure to put the video on youtube.
Posted by: cheekstr in Untagged on
Jun 01, 2010
There are some things that just seem to be universal in the way they happen. Feel free to add your own to the list...
Law of the Fly: The fly that keeps bothering you will disappear the second you pull out the flyswatter, only to return when you put it away.
Law of the Break: The band you've finally made it out to see goes on break 30 seconds after you walk into the bar. (Except for, of course, the CheekTones)
Law of the Second Choice: The babe you've been wanting to hook up with runs into you at the mall, and you're with someone you don't even want to be seen with. (Which brings into play the Law of the Awkward Silence)
Law of the Short Cut: The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Law of Java Vu: You get just the right blend of creamer, sugar and coffee in your cup, and the waitress tops it off before you can say no thanks.
Law of the Lost Tip: Just as you throw your tip into the bartender's jar, he turns around and misses it.
Cole's law: The finer you chop the cabbage, the less likely you'll get gas.
Law of the Bug & the Windshield: That large and suicidal bug who's headed for your windshield invariably expires right in the center of your field of vision.
Law of the CheekTones: Just when you think you know who the real CheekTones are, we show up with a new guy filling in. And this week is no different--we have Dave Ronchetti sitting in on bass Friday, and Brian Moss returns on lead guitar for both gigs. Friday night we're at Annie's Attic, 9:30 to 12:30, and Saturday we're on the patio at Coyote Joe's, 7-10:30.
Wednesday night, I'll be playing solo at Hooligan's, 8-11pm. It's right above Matt's on Whiskey Row, with one flight of stairs between you and the Law of Gravity...
Posted by: cheekstr in Untagged on
Feb 24, 2010
Prescott, AZ--After months of rumor and innuendo regarding the sudden reversal of their conviction on charges of “pandering to commercial taste”, local band The CheekTones have accepted a plea bargain between their attorney and Superior Court Judge Judge Rindhole. Denying any complicity in the alleged bribery of Judge Thor “Hammer” Slammer, the band has nonetheless accepted the conditions of the plea agreement, which specify a year as house band for The 700 Club, three months of wearing matching uniforms based on Disney characters, and a requirement to give three free concerts of nothing but Jonas Brothers songs, as they would be covered by Marilyn Manson. In a statement read by their attorney, Izzy A. Finagler, the band admitted sending 50 copies of their CD, Razorburn, to Judge Rindhole, delivered in person by some of the more curvaceous members of their “street team”, who, in their enthusiasm, offered to give the jurist “a little razorburn of your own”. For the record, Judge Rindhole has denied accepting either the cd’s or the razorburn. The band begins serving their sentence this weekend, dressed as 4 of the 7 dwarfs and Snow White.
Posted by: cheekstr in Untagged on
Feb 24, 2010
Originally published on 2/18/09
Prescott, AZ (AP) - In a surprise move, Court of Appeals Judge Thor “Slammer” Hammer has overturned the conviction of local band The CheekTones on charges of shameless pandering to commercial tastes. It was almost exactly a year ago that a Prescott jury found the local lads guilty on 8 counts of the little-known and selectively prosecuted “blue law”. In his ruling, the judge declared that the trial judge, U.R. Lyabel, had erroneously disallowed evidence and witnesses that might have led to an acquittal. Some of the excluded evidence related to the band’s practice of playing songs they didn’t know or had possibly never even heard, and their apparent disregard for taste in their manner of dress. Also, several expert witnesses were prevented from testifying, including local DJ Chris P. Neuranz, who was heard to say of the band’s music, “Man, I can’t play this s**t—my listeners will either retch or fall asleep.” Another disallowed defense witness, sound man Will U. Hearit, would have tes tified that the band had overcome their addiction to playing the entire soundtrack of Saturday Night Fever years ago.
Yavapai District Attorney Willie Pruvit declined to comment on the ruling, but the band’s attorney, Izzy A. Finagler, released the following statement from the band: “We’re just thrilled to be cleared of these obviously trumped-up charges. Anyone who’s heard and seen our act would know that we’re doing everything we can to keep from succeeding commercially. We just want to thank our fan, and our sound man, and our guitar techs, and our other fan, and the Weather Channel, and the night bartender at The Bird Cage (forgot her name), and that one guy who plays air guitar when he’s out on bail, and the guy who brings the firewood to Joe’s, and...uh...I think that’s all we have room for...for their support during this difficult year. We’ll see you at Coyote Joe’s on Saturday.”
The CheekTones were scheduled to begin serving their sentence on Feb 14, so the ruling came just in time for the band. Judge Lyabel had sentenced them to six months of playing jazz versions of Hannah Montana songs, a sentence that surely would have spelled the end of any chance to raise their cool quotient among Prescott music fans. When asked about the playlist for this Saturday’s show, band leader Don Cheek said, “I guess we’ll come up with something—we’ve spent all our rehearsal time getting ready to become Banana Montana...”
Posted by: cheekstr in Untagged on
Feb 24, 2010
Originally published on 2.28.08
Prescott, Az. - After 13 hours of deliberation, a Prescott jury has found The CheekTones guilty of 8 counts of shameless pandering to commercial taste. Charges had been brought against the band in the wake of a Christmas show at the Grand Canyon, in which they allegedly played a medley that included the Chuck Berry classic, “Run Rudolph Run”. Yavapai District Attorney Willie Pruvit, discussing the case, said, “This Rudolph thing was just one in a long line of CheekTones assaults on the public cool quotient; we’re elated by this verdict.” Juror Amanda Haight, when interviewed, said, “Just the fact that they learned that song was enough for me to convict.”
Members of the band declined to comment, but their attorney, Izzy A. Finagler, made this statement: “While it’s true the boys are up to 5 Stones and 4 Dylan covers, they believe there is enough “interpretation” in these covers to warrant a verdict of not guilty. And although the Rudolph song was in their setlist, they didn’t even play it. In their defense, I would ask: What about their original songs, and their unique arrangements of music from such obscure songwriters as JJ Cale, James McMurtry, Bob Schneider, and the inscrutable Tom Waits? What about their reggae rendition of David Crosby’s “Long Time Gone”? Have you heard anyone else play Danny Okeefe’s “Along For The Ride?” And, to top it off, they steadfastly refuse to honor requests to play “Mustang Sally.” Surely these aren’t the signs of a band who has completely sold out to commerce. They don’t even have a merch box, or a cd to sell. We’ll be filing an appeal in the district court in Jerome on Monday.”
The conviction, if upheld on appeal, carries a sentence of up to six months of playing only jazz versions of Hannah Montana songs.
See for yourself if this legal setback affects the performance, or the playlist, of The CheekTones.
Posted by: cheekstr in Untagged on
Feb 09, 2010
Through a simple twist of fate, this week The CheekTones mark THREE YEARS as a band, and three years of playing Saturday nights at Coyote Joe’s. That’s right, and all I really want to do is invite you to come down to Whiskey Row, not desolation row, to help us celebrate. If not for you, there’s no way we could’ve made it this far, so we really want to thank you in person. They’re saying a hard rain’s gonna fall, but you don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, and anyway, we’ll give you shelter from the storm. These bartenders gotta serve somebody, so it might as well be you, and you’ll be joined by Sara, Jolene, Isis, Delia, Angelina, Corrina Corrina, Queen Jane, and the girl from the north country. You can take a slow train, a freight train, or a Buick 6, you can take Highway 51, 61, or the endless highway, you can wear boots of Spanish leather or a leopard-skin pillbox hat, but you gotta leave Maggie’s farm or wherever you hang out and join us. Don’t think twice about it: have one more cup of coffee, shake off that idiot wind, try not to get tangled up in blue, and remember that it’s live music that’s gonna keep you forever young. We kick it off around 7 and play ‘til 10:30 out on the patio, so ring them bells all along the watchtower: It’s The CheekTones third anniversary!
Also—I’ll be doing a solo acoustic show at the Spirit Room on Tuesday night, 8 to 11, right there on Main Street in Jerome. Join me if you dare. But you’re gonna make me lonesome when you go.
Posted by: cheekstr in Untagged on
Feb 09, 2010
Top Ten Excuses For Missing The CheekTones at Annie's Attic This Friday:
10. My dog ate my car keys. I can’t use the spare, ‘cause then I wouldn’t have a spare.
9. I’m writing my doctoral thesis, The Secret Life of Underwear, and I’ll probably finish it Friday night. Yeah, that’s it.
8. My grandmother’s friend’s cousin’s parakeet died. I’m in charge of the funeral.
7. I got razorburn. And I wasn’t even shaving...
6. My ex is stalking me, and Guitar Center has granted me asylum.
5. New Year’s resolution: I’m trying to raise my cool quotient in 2010, not lower it.
4. I’m waitin’ for the movie to come out.
3. I had a flat tire. Actually, my car had a flat tire—I’m still round, with a hole in the middle.
2. Well... I lit out for Reno, I was trailed by 20 hounds, didn’t get to sleep that night, ‘til the mornin’ came around...
And the #1 excuse for missing The CheekTones at Annie’s Attic This Friday:
1. I was under house arrest for “injudicious use of exclamation points on Facebook!!!”
So, unless one o’ those excuses fits you like a bustiere on a beauty queen, we’ll expect to see you Friday night at Annie’s, starting around 9:30.
Posted by: cheekstr in Untagged on
Feb 09, 2010
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...; Call me Ishmael; Aaron would not come out; It was love at first sight. The first time Yossarian saw the chaplain he fell madly in love with him; That’s good thinking there, Cool Breeze: We’re all just barely into a new year; we’ve all just written, or are possibly still writing, the first line of a novel whose plot may be a shadowy presence (or, in some cases, a clear path, should the stars align and the wheel spin in our favor) in our minds, but whose twists and turns, whose unanticipated ventures down side streets and alleys, whose surprise endings and dénouements will only be written by us in reaction to events that unfold around us, in concert with decisions we will base, carelessly or not, on information whose validity may only become clear after the decisions have been made, and with the “help” of family and friends who may or may not understand where we planned for the plot to go, which characters we originally intended to kill off (metaphorically speaking, one hopes), or into what genre we’d like our novel to fit (romance, horror, comic, thriller...crime fiction, anyone?). So, as you re-read that long sentence, as many of you will, possibly wondering about the nature of your own opening line for 2010, or wondering if Don (third-person alert!) has had either too much coffee or too little recent experience with self-control, I’m sending you best wishes for a successful new year. May the opening line of your novel lead to greener pastures and the proverbial happy ending.
(Originally sent out on 1/7/10)
Posted by: cheekstr in Untagged on
Dec 11, 2009
Top Ten Graffiti Found on the Bathroom Walls at Coyote Joe’s:
10. Some people come here to sit and think...wait, this is CoJo’s. No thinking allowed. Or aloud.
9. A pessimist’s blood type is always B negative.
8. For a good time, call The Raven. (sorry, another Raven joke)
7. Cheektones? What if Don’s last name had been Schwackhammer? or Livingstone?
6. Half your large intestine is known as your semicolon;
5. Sign at a nuclear power plant: “Warning: Radiation area. Pre-faded genes only”.
4. Generalizations are dangerous, especially this one. (Thanks to Mark Twain)
3. One if by land, two if by sea, three if by hand, fourplay is free.
2. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
1. What are you looking here for? The joke is on the stage.
