Band/Fan Blog

Top Ten Worst Case Scenarios:

10. Ted Nugent becomes a vegetarian, is found stalking 2 melons and some kohlrabi in the produce section.

9. Global Warming causes rampant nudity and a spike in blindfold sales.

8. Congress changes the national anthem to Muskrat Love.

7. The swine flu mutates into a virus that makes you speak pig latin...I-ay eanmay igpay atinlay.

6. The CheekTones return from two weeks absence to find their slot at Joe’s has been given to The Amazing Trevor and his Trained Tarantula. 

5. Disco makes a comeback.

4. Michael Jackson’s missing prosthetic nose shows up in your salad at Denny’s.

3. The official Woodstock 40th Anniversary Concert is organized by the Young Republicans.

2. Sarah Palin becomes fashion advisor to David Letterman and Cher.

and the No. 1 Worst Case Scenario:

1. Researchers at Cornell confirm that You Can’t Always Get What You Want.

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10. Does Marty have a girlfriend?
9. Can you guys play that one song tonight? You know, the one that goes na na na na dum dee um da da.
8. I’d like two soft tacos, a cheese enchilada, and a diet pepsi. Hold the mayo.
7. Hey you guys oughta learn Brown-Eyed Girl. It ain’t that hard.
6. How do I get one of those Cheekas t-shirts?
5. Hey Don, this is (garbled). I want you guys to open for Tom Petty at Red Rocks. Call me quick at 213-(garbled).
4. You know, you would get farther if you’d play more (Jimmy Buffet, Johnny Cash, Dead, Coldplay, etc).
3. Where are you playing? Can you give me your website again, ‘cause when I google “cheektones” I get porn or cosmetic sites.
2. This is the Prescott PD, reminding you that the Coyote Joe’s parking lot is not a urinal.

...and the #1 message on the CheekTones’ voicemail:

1. Hey, how come you never play at The Raven?

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 July 1, 2009

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands...wait, don’t dissolve this band, ‘cause we hold these truths to be self-evident, that you have a right, no, an obligation to party on a holiday weekend, that those of you living in hotspots have a right to migrate temporarily to cooler climes, that those of you whose soul has not been recently soothed by live music have been endowed with the unalienable right to drink from the well of rock and roll, the pail of rhythmic grooves, the chalice of The CheekTones, and that to secure these rights you need only assume among the powers of the earth, the power to motorvate to Prescott for July 4 weekend.  (apologies to Mr Jefferson)

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TOP TEN WAYS TO AMUSE YOURSELF...

...while you’re waiting for The CheekTones on AM Arizona, 10 am Friday on Channel 7, AZTV:

10. File your nails. File ‘em under “D” for done, or “S” for sharp, or “I” for “I was so nervous I chewed ‘em down to the nub...”
9.  Dream up next week’s spam for Don. Title: “Top Ten graffiti found in the places whereThe CheekTones play.”
8.  Flip channels continuously; count the number of times you land on Seinfeld or any show with Andy Griffith.
7.  Get into a wrestling match with your bean bag chair; scream “cheater!” when you lose.
6.  Rearrange the cushions on your sofa, shouting “Your-eeka” every time you find a coin or a peanut.
5.  Work on your impressions of Rocky Balboa, Kid Rock, Rock Hudson, and Rocky the Flying Squirrel, singing Rocky Raccoon.
4.  Iron your underwear. Really.
3.  At 9:57work yourself into a frenzy of anticipation by jumping up and down screaming “We’re nearly home, we’re nearly home....”
2.  Repeat the mantra, “I’m beside that train, not in front of that train.”

And the no. 1 way to amuse yourself while waiting for The Cheektones on AM  Arizona:

1.  Rewrite CheekTones song lyrics as fortune cookie fortunes, ending them all with “in bed”.

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Overheard, or barely heard, at Coyote Joe’s on a recent Saturday night:

Who’s the band?
I dunno. The CreekTones? Maybe they’re from Sedona.
Simona? What kinda name is that?
No, I said they’re from Sedona, ya ninny.
What’re you gonna do with a penny? It doesn’t buy anything.
Not a penny, moron. I called you a name. And, I said the creektones might be from Sedona.
I don’t think they’re the creektones—those guys played bluegrass, and I think they broke up.
Well, whether they’re creektones or cheekbones, I really like ‘em. You wanna dance?
Nah, I get self-conscious unless there’s a bunch o’ people out there.
There are 5 people dancing, and one doing god-knows-what. I think he’s gonna hurl.
Earl? How do you know his name?
I don’t know his name, I said he’s gonna yak.
You worry too much—let him yak. But I’m not dancing if he does.
You’re not dancing anyway. But what do you think of the band, whoever they are?
I kinda like ‘em, cause they don’t sound like they know where they’re going next. Kinda like us.
We’re going to Lyzzard’s next—don’t you remember?
I’d rather stay here. Besides, that bass player makes me want to (unintelligible) ....with or without socks.
And I thought you only had eyes for me.
I have some ice for you—and you know where you can put it.
Thank you so much... Haven’t we seen that singer somewhere else?
I think that’s the dude that plays with himself at Lyzzard’s on Sundays.
You mean he plays by himself, not with.
Whatever. But yeah, he’s the guy. I think his name’s Dave Creek.
I can’t sit still. I’m gonna go dance, even if that one guy hurls.
Cool--It’ll be kinda like dodge ball, with rhythm...

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Top Ten Things For The CheekTones To Do On The Ride To Flagstaff:

10. To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there’s the rub. Wait, no rubbing, please. (Sorry, Will)
9.  Count the number of songs that Don starts singing and doesn’t finish, including camp songs.
8.  Stare in unison at the drivers of the cars they pass. No, stare in harmony, maybe a minor seventh chord. (sorry-musician humor)
7.  Write a road song, something along the lines of, “What’s that noise coming from under the hood? Oh, it’s just my mother’s cat.”
6.  Memorize the lyrics to all of Hannah Montana’s songs, just in case. We already got the choreography down.
5.  Rehearse their own road version of Bohemian Rhapsody, with Kenny as Wayne, Gary as Garth, and Marty as the sick dude in the back seat.
4.  Sing “99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall”, with body noises inserted in place of numbers that contain “9” or “3”.
3.  Have polite discussion on the theoretical and theological underpinnings of South Park in contrast to the mythology pervasive in The Simpsons.
2.  Plan their upcoming American Idol strategy, including the wearing of spandex, gore-tex, and coat-tex.

And, the No. 1 Thing For The CheekTones To Do On The Ride To Flagstaff:

1.  Work on the sequel to Razorburn, to be called Ringworm. Or maybe Impetigo. Heartbreak of Psoriasis? 

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Wow what a really cool web site.  I am a Cheek fan...or is that a Cheek Tones?  I was surfing / searching some porn looking for different colored A** or shades of flesh and found some really cool tunes on this site instead.  When are you going to up load some "Cheek" I am always turning the other cheek so how about returning the favor!!!  I'll show you mine if you show me yours:)  Is Prescott really a Cheek town?  I was once known around those parts as Skywalker for any of your Cheek fans who were in the National Guard in Prescott in the early 80"s - hense my nickname Skywalker.  I once play with some Cheeks - best time of my life - better than porn - but that was back in the late 90's and turn of the century.  I sure miss those Cheek days.  I just might come back to this site - hope to see some real Cheek though!! 

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Prescott, AZ (AP) - In a surprise move, Court of Appeals Judge Thor “Slammer” Hammer has overturned the conviction of local band The CheekTones on charges of shameless pandering to commercial tastes. It was almost exactly a year ago that a Prescott jury found the local lads guilty on 8 counts of the little-known and selectively prosecuted “blue law”.  In his ruling, the  judge declared that the trial judge, U.R. Lyabel, had erroneously disallowed evidence and witnesses that might have led to an acquittal.  Some of the excluded evidence related to the band’s practice of playing songs they didn’t know or had possibly never even heard, and their apparent disregard for taste in their manner of dress. Also, several expert witnesses were prevented from testifying, including local DJ Chris P. Neuranz, who was heard to say of the band’s music, “Man, I can’t play this s**t—my listeners will either retch or fall asleep.”  Another disallowed defense witness, sound man Will U. Hearit, would have tes tified that the band had overcome their addiction to playing the entire soundtrack of Saturday Night Fever years ago.

Yavapai District Attorney Willie Pruvit declined to comment on the ruling, but the band’s attorney, Izzy A. Finagler, released the following statement from the band:  “We’re just thrilled to be cleared of these obviously trumped-up charges. Anyone who’s heard and seen our act would know that we’re doing everything we can to keep from succeeding commercially.  We just want to thank our fan, and our sound man, and our guitar techs, and our other fan, and the Weather Channel, and the night bartender at The Bird Cage (forgot her name), and that one guy who plays air guitar when he’s out on bail, and the guy who brings the firewood to Joe’s, and...uh...I think that’s all we have room for...for their support during this difficult year. We’ll see you at Coyote Joe’s on Saturday.”

The CheekTones were scheduled to begin serving their sentence on Feb 14, so the ruling came just in time for the band. Judge Lyabel had sentenced them to six months of playing jazz versions of Hannah Montana songs, a sentence that surely would have spelled the end of any chance to raise their cool quotient among Prescott music fans. When asked about the playlist for this Saturday’s show, band leader Don Cheek said, “I guess we’ll come up with something—we’ve spent all our rehearsal time getting ready to become Banana Montana...”

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